i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
COCAINE IS GR8
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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