I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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