I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
