you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
