he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just high enough for therapy.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
