a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
