I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
