Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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