I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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