Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
