That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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