I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
