What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's shark week go big or go home
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
