Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
