How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dear god my vagina.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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