Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
