Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
