guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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