Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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