Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
