You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
