I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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