K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
