This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
