My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
