my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
