Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
