You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
