I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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