What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just want nice things and good sex
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
