your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize