Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
