Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
