I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
