He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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