Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
