I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
