I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
