i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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