I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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