You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
