Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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