Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
