i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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