i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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