so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
