I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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