She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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