dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
