Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
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