the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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