We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
