I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You surviving the open bar?
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Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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