Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize