It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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