put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
