Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
