I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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