I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
