I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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